


a me without you

by sleepy_orange



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:22:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24835300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepy_orange/pseuds/sleepy_orange
Summary: “Let’s break up, Sehunnie. I think that you should date other people.”“I’m dating you,” Sehun says incredulously. “I don’t want to date anyone else.”
Relationships: Kim Junmyeon | Suho/Oh Sehun
Comments: 5
Kudos: 49





	a me without you

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to Ber. Thanks for hyping me up and encouraging this madness at 1am last night.

“Let’s break up, Sehunnie.”

===

Sehun stands with his members and smiles for the cameras as they wave Junmyeon goodbye. He eats his lunch, he laughs at the jokes Chanyeol and Baekhyun make around the table, and he smiles for his members. He does the thumbs-up sign, he rubs his hands over Junmyeons’s freshly-shaved head, and he smiles for the fans. He smiles so much and so hard that he develops a headache within two hours. 

When it’s all finally done and Junmyeon has crossed over the gates; when it’s just the remaining 5 of them in the car, Sehun begs off early, saying that he’s tired. The rest give him sympathetic smiles, knowing that he probably didn’t get much sleep last night, thinking that he had spent it with Junmyeon. 

They weren’t wrong. But they were also wrong. 

His manager drops him home, telling him he has the day off, and then it’s back to recording the next day. They think they’re being kind by giving him the rest of the day to recover. Just yesterday, he would have agreed, wanting to have the day alone to allow himself to be sad and miss Junmyeon, even though he knew that it was just for a month. 

Now he thinks that it’s cruel, giving him so much free time to fill. He would much rather have a full day of schedules just so that he wouldn’t have to think about last night. 

===

Junmyeon had been acting a little weird lately, distant and prone to just staring at Sehun with a melancholy look on his face. When caught, he would just brush it off as pre-enlistment jitters, and Sehun would let it go. God knows, he was feeling some separation anxiety himself and felt it only fair to give Junmyeon some time to grapple with his emotions. 

That night, they were the only ones in the dorm; Chanyeol and Jongin both spending the night at their parents to give them some privacy. Junmyeon had already said goodbye to his own parents and packed his things from the apartment he shared with Sehun. The bags were all by the door, just waiting for Junmyeon to grab them on his way out the next morning. They’d decided to spend their last night together at the dorm because it was easier for their managers to pick up all 5 of them from the same place. 

Sehun had thought about doing something special, cooking a meal perhaps. But that hadn’t felt true to them. They weren’t big on the grand gestures or special occasions. They were loud declarations of encouragement on stage and softly whispered I love yous under the covers. They were hands gently grasped together in the day and finger-shaped bruises on thighs at night. They had a million special dates and shared a thousand milestones together. They had come together as naturally as if it was meant to be - Sehun blossoming under Junmyeon’s wings and Junmyeon flourishing with having someone to shine his light on.

There hadn’t seemed a need to plan for a special night. Plus, Sehun just did not want to be fussed with the clearing after.

So they’d ordered pizza that night for dinner, a rare cheat day for Junmyeon, but really, when better to have a cheat day than your last free day as a civilian. Sehun had been packing up the boxes and their leftovers when Junmyeon had said, “Let’s break up, Sehunnie.”

Sehun stopped. Turned around and looked at Junmyeon, “What?”

Junmyeon stood up, squared his shoulders, and stuck his chin up. Sehun knew that look. That was the look that Junmyeon had when he was itching for a fight, when he was being bullheaded and stubborn and refused to listen to anyone. Sehun _hated_ that look. 

“I think we should break up. I’m going to be away for two years, and it does not make sense for you to wait for me and waste your time. You’re still young, you should go out and meet other people. And if you meet someone, then you ---”

“Hyung, what the hell?” 

“I just think that you should date other people.”

“I’m dating _you_ ,” Sehun says incredulously. “I don’t want to date anyone else.”

“You’re still young, Sehun. You think you know what you want and you think you want to be with me, but you don’t. How could you, when you’ve never been with anyone else.” Junmyeon says all that with his leader voice and Sehun has never wanted to punch him more in his whole life. 

“I’m 26, not 18. I know what I want.”

Junmyeon opens his mouth to say something, but Sehun cuts him off, “Junmyeon, what the hell? Where did this even come from?” He’s so confused, so caught off guard by this conversation, so angry, that for the first time since he was 14, he forgets to call Junmyeon hyung.

“I’ve been thinking - about my future and about your future.” 

Sehun notices that “our future” is missing and cold washes over him. He has been thinking about the future too, but in the possibilities that he has been imagining, it was always him and Junmyeon, together. He has imagined moving out of their apartment and buying a house somewhere outside of Seoul. He has imagined Christmas and New Year with both their families. He has imagined rings. 

He thought they were on the same page on this. But now, he wasn’t so sure. 

Junmyeon continued. “I think maybe we rushed things. We got together when you were still very young and things were moving so fast and suddenly we had an apartment together. And it was all my fault, because I was the older one here and I should have taken things slower. You just went along because you didn’t know better. I took advantage of you.”

“Don’t project your insecurities on me. I’ve always been in this with you the whole way.”

“You think you were. But Sehun, you’re just a kid. I was your first everything. You don’t know any better.”

“Junmyeon, stop. Stop before you say something that you can’t take back.”

He did stop then, and there was silence in the room for a few moments. Then, resolute: “We’re breaking up, Sehun.”

And then, a little quieter, “If you still feel the same way about me in 2 years time as you do now, I’ll see you at home. And if I don’t, then I’ll know you’ve found someone better.” Junmyeon moves to stand in front of him, but Sehun is so angry, feels so betrayed by this sucker punch, that he refuses to look at him.

“I’ll go sleep in a hotel tonight and be back tomorrow morning. The rest don’t have to know about this.” Sehun’s whole body is vibrating and when Junmyeon picks up his hand, he feels like he’s been electric shocked - he yanks his hand away.

“I would like it if you would still come tomorrow. But I would understand it if you don’t.”

The door clasps softly shut and for a long long time, Sehun just stands in the middle of their living room wondering what just happened. 

=== 

Sehun spirals. 

The months after the breakup, since Junmyeon enlisted and left him with no way to talk, to _understand_ what happened, Sehun spirals. He still shows up for his schedules, still does his recordings and his promotions, he’s too much of a professional and has been trained too well, not to. But at night, when all the schedules are done and it’s just him alone, he doesn’t sleep and doesn’t get any rest. He eats when he’s around people, it would be too much of a red flag if Chanyeol or his managers saw him not eating, but on his own, he doesn’t eat. He doesn’t have much weight to lose anyway, but what little he has, falls off. Chanyeol checks up on him worriedly, but Sehun just brushes it off as being too busy with action school and filming for his movie. He has always loved alcohol, loved the taste and social aspect of it, but now it becomes his best friend and his confidant. 

And when drinking alone in the dark apartment with nothing else but his thoughts and memories becomes too much, Sehun goes out. He’s not stupid enough to go to the well-known clubs and bars, knowing that while those would protect his identity from the general public, word would get through to this management. He seeks instead the seedier ones, the ones where people go to to get lost and no one looks too closely at each other. He puts on makeup; eyeliner and mascara, sometimes lipstick and pretends that it’s not a broken him staring back from the mirror. 

The first time he slept, or well tried to, sleep with someone, he has a panic attack. They were at the guy's house; he wasn't going to bring the stranger home to his apartment that still sometimes smelt of Junmyeon, that carried his memories in every corner and crevice, that was their sanctuary from the mess that was their public personas. So there he was, at a stranger's home, in a stranger's bed and all he could think was Junmyeon. It wasn't Junmyeon's lips kissing him, it wasn't Junmyeon's hands on his hips, it wasn't Junmyeon's thigh trying to get in between his legs. 

It wasn't Junmyeon. And Junmyeon wouldn't have wanted him to do this, no matter what he had said, he wouldn't have wanted to Sehun to do this with anyone else. 

His breaths started coming shorter, his vision swimming and he tried to weakly push the other guy away. It worked, to an extent, as the guy pulled back to look at Sehun’s face.

“Don’t you want to come, baby?”

Baby.

Junmyeon called him baby. He would say it in a teasing way when Sehun got frustrated with his words when he was younger and being forced to work with people so much older than him. He would say it cajolingly, eyes wide and fake-innocent when Sehun got mad at him for leaving his things in a mess all over the room. He would sometimes whisper it in Sehun’s ear, his hands working hard and fast under the covers to bring Sehun off before they were discovered by anyone, “Don’t you want to come, baby? Come for me.”

That was Junmyeon’s voice, but this wasn’t Junmyeon. Where was Junmyeon? Where was he? What was he doing here? The room kept on spinning and Sehun could not catch his breath. 

Something must have shown on his face because the guy pulled further away. Sehun takes advantage of the pause to roll off the bed and stagger out of the apartment. He was halfway down the block, shivering from the cold, before he realised that he was barefoot and shirtless. In his panic, he hadn’t even thought to grab his shoes or his shirt. Luckily for him, they hadn’t progressed to the taking-pants-off stage yet and his wallet and phone were both still tucked to his back pocket. 

He makes his way to an empty alley and collapsed against the wall, vomiting out the meager contents of his stomach before sinking to the ground, head between his knees as he tried to get his breath back. His mouth tasted and smelt foul. There was snot on his face and his hands from when he had tried to wipe them off. His mascara was ruined and in black streaks down his cheeks from his tears. He was a mess and he wanted Junmyeon badly. 

But Junmyeon didn’t want him.

Sehun takes out his phone and calls Chanyeol to pick him up instead. 

===

It’s impossible to hide what happened then from Chanyeol, and so the story comes out. He’s still confused about everything, still unsure how things went from them having a future together, to having broken up. He wants to talk to Junmeyon, wants to ask him what he was thinking, wants to assuage his fears and assure him that Sehun is here and he’s staying and to _please not do this_. 

He tells it all and by the end of it, Chanyeol is as confused as him. It feels good to tell someone, he had been doubting his own memories and feelings, wondering if he had been gaslighted for their whole relationship. 

Sehun doesn’t hear the story getting retold, but he knows that Chanyeol informed the rest of the members and their managers, if not the full despairing tale, at least the bare bones of the break-up. He pushes through with the rest of the recording and promotions for their upcoming album, he completes his filming and the promotions for that, and then he just...disappears for a while. 

He deletes his Instagram. He packs up his things. He moves away. The members know where he is, of course, and his family. But other than that, for close to a year, Oh Sehun disappears from the public world and stops being an idol. 

He doesn’t quite manage to remove every trace of Junmyeon from his life though, not quite able to make the cleanest break. He still has Junmyeon’s number, still keeps the messages from him. He still pays the rent for their apartment, still keeps the keys. 

And of all the places in the world, Sehun moves to LA. 

He focuses on himself, focuses on getting better, getting clean, putting the weight back on, getting to a place that he’s okay being alone. Junmyeon was right about that at least. They’d been a couple since Sehun was 18, and had been best friends for years before that. For 12 years, his life had been all about Junmyeon and now he was forced to learn what he was like without Junmyeon. 

He meets new people, though he knows better than to try to date or sleep with any of them. He meets people who only know him as Oh Sehun, and not EXO Sehun. He meets people who think that he’s just a talented dancer and choreographer, rather than as a main dancer for one of the biggest Kpop bands. He meets people who have never known Junmyeon, never known his gentle guidance and his quiet strength. He meets people who remind him of Junmyeon, with their round cheeks and the way their eye crinkles when they smile. 

For a year, Sehun learns to be Sehun. And while he will always be bitter at Junmyeon for the way he ambushed him that last night they had together, he understands a little of where he was coming from. 

Doesn’t mean he forgives him, though. 

===

Sehun comes home a week before Junmyeon is discharged from the army. 

Minseok picks him up from the airport and Sehun is delighted to see him, hugging him tightly, burying his face in his hair and remembering being 20 and confused at why the people who promised to be with him forever, chose to leave. 

“Hyung.” 

“Sehun-ah. Let me look at you,” Minseok pulled away to take a better look at him. Sehun stands easily, letting him look his fill, when once he would have fidgeted at being studied too closely, uncomfortable with the scrutiny by someone who knows him too well. He wonders what he sees, wonders if he looks any different, any more matured than the maknae he knows they will always see him as. 

The verdict comes back as: “You look good.” 

Sehun grins back at Minseok, grabs his hand and says, “Hyung. Tell me about the rest. Tell me everything.”

They spend the rest of the day, and the week together. Kyungsoo and Jongin join them some days, both busy with their own projects but making time to welcome Sehun back. He knows that they’re slowly easing him back to their dynamics and he’s grateful for their care. He’s not sure he could have done with a full reunion at this point. 

As it gets closer to the discharge day or D-Day as Sehun has termed it in his head, he gets more fidgety. He’s not sure if he’s ready to see Junmyeon. Not sure if he knows the right words to say or what to do. Minseok offers to accompany him to their apartment, but Sehun thinks he needs to do this alone. He enters the combination into the lock and swings the door open trepidatiously, holding his breath the whole time. He’s not sure what he’s expecting - Junmyeon to already be there, perhaps. Or to be assaulted by memories of them in the apartment from years ago. Or to open the door to strangers living in his home. 

Nothing happens and Sehun laughs at his silliness. The apartment looks exactly as how he left it a year ago, but it no longer smells of them. It smells of cleaning supplies, of lemon spray and bleach cleaner. He’s glad he’s kept the contract with the cleaning company to tidy the space every month, unsure if he could have found the strength to face Junmyeon after having had to clean up the whole day.

He spends the day just wandering the whole apartment, moving from the couch to his bed, to the kitchen and then back to the couch. He tries reading some of the mail that they’ve left behind for him, he tries watching an episode of a variety show, he tries playing some games on his phone, but nothing is able to distract him for long. His eyes keep straying to his watch and as it gets closer to the time that he knows Junmyeon would possibly be coming home, he panics. 

Sehun knows the signs of a panic attack by now, knows how to handle them and how to calm himself down. He does his breathing exercises, he tells himself that he’s grown and he can handle this, but he also gives himself an out. 

He pulls out a piece of paper from his pocket 

===

Junmyeon is nervous He doesn’t think he’s ever been this nervous, not when he had told his parents he was dropping out to focus on being a trainee, not when he was debuting with EXO all those years ago, not even when he met Sehun’s parents for the first time as the boyfriend. He was shaking, his heart in his throat, nerves tingling and ready to bolt at any moment. 

Two years was a long time to sit and think about his choices. 

He has thought about those choices, remembers the words he said, recalls the shock and hurt on Sehun’s face. He doesn’t think he would have made those same choices now. 

_“If you still feel the same way about me in 2 years time as you do now, I’ll see you at home. And if I don’t, then I’ll know you’ve found someone better.”_

Those words come back to haunt him now as he enters their empty apartment, the air still and quiet. His heart drops and he thinks, “Ah. So this is his decision.”

Junmyeon drops his bags by the door and staggers to the couch, barely managing to keep himself upright through the heartache. He had tried to prepare himself, told himself that he had given Sehun the choice, had told him to go and he had to live with those consequences. But nothing could have quite prepared him for the reality. 

He notices a piece of paper on the table, picks it up, reads it.

===

_Hyung, there’s so much I want to say to you, but I don’t know if I will ever be brave enough to. I was supposed to be there to greet you home, but I’m too scared. I’m so scared, hyung._

_Hyung, I hated you for so long for what you did. You were scared and you took it out on me and you don’t know what you did, what you broke, but maybe one day I’ll tell you._

_Hyung, I miss you. I tried running away, but I ran to the one place that will always remind me of you because that was how much I missed you._

_Hyung, I love you. Maybe not in the same way I did two years ago, but I love you._

_I’ll see you soon._

===

**Author's Note:**

> This is vaguely canon, so please pardon any inaccuracies.


End file.
